St. Theresa's Prayer

Sometimes, it's difficult to come up with the words when praying about infertility, so I've been writing down some prayers to say when I just don't have the words. I'll intermittently share some on the blog for other women who also need a little extra help in the prayer department.

St. Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

Amen.

Thank God for Reality Television

Got my blood drawn for a pregnancy test this morning...

Negative.

I'm actually sadder than I anticipated being. I really shouldn't be sad, right? I mean, after all, who gets pregnant on only one cycle of Clomid? Again, if someone could teach me the secret to not getting your hopes up, please let me know.

It's okay. This just wasn't the month. It'll come though...

On the plus side, I can drown my sorrows tonight by watching The Bachelor and being thankful that my life is WAY better than these people's :)

Book Swap!

Last week, I participated in a book swap sponsored by my bestie Katie at The Nerdy Katie and Heather at Blonde Undercover Blonde.

By sheer rigging coincidence, I was partnered up with Katie! I actually really like what we did for this book swap...we chose to give each other a book from the same series so that we could read it together. For the book swap, Katie sent me The Vampire Diaries: The Awakening:


Katie has been wanting me to watch The Vampire Diaries on Netflix for a couple months now, and she found the perfect way to get me to watch the series...once I read the book, I have to know how the series goes! We also figured out through this swap how easy it is to gift someone an e-book!

According to my Kindle, I'm 66% of the way through the book! Hopefully I will have finished the book by tonight, and according to Katie (who has read these books much faster than me--but that's nothing new there), I will have to read at least the first three in the series. I will be sure to report back what I thought about the book for Book Club Friday.

Thank you, Katie, for my new book!!! And thank you to Katie and Heather for hosting!!!

Stressed!

I have a little over twelve hours until I get my blood drawn tomorrow, and I am wicked stressed!

It does not help things that my hormones are going haywire right now. My boobs hurt, and I hate everyone right now. Seriously. Just hate people today. And that's really not a good thing when you work in customer service, and your job depends on you being nice to people. I also really, really, really want to cry. I have absolutely nothing to cry about, but I would really appreciate the stress-release.

However, I did google "stressed" in order to find an appropriate picture to include with this post, and this is what came up:


OMIGOD...ISN'T THIS THE CUTEST THING EVER?! If only my dog would let me dress her up like this...

Anytime I feel like punching a wall today, I'm just going to look at this picture, laugh, and remember that things are going to be okay!

Book Club Friday: Sweet Valley Confidential

I'm very excited to link up with Heather from Blonde Undercover Blonde for Book Club Friday, especially since we exchanged a few tweets about this particular book. Last week, I read Sweet Valley Confidential by Francine Pascal:

"The Wakefield Twins—and the whole gang from Sweet Valley High—are back! What terrible secret has torn Jessica and Elizabeth apart? Ten years after graduation, the Wakefield twins have had a falling out of epic proportions. When Jessica commits a complete and utter betrayal, Elizabeth flees to New York to escape the pain and immerse herself in her lifelong dream of becoming a serious journalist. Jessica remains in California, dealing with the consequences of her heart-wrenching choices. She’s built a full life for herself but dearly misses her sister. With Elizabeth as her enemy, Sweet Valley is no longer the idyllic town of their youth. Jessica longs for forgiveness. But Elizabeth, always the “good twin,” can’t forget Jessica’s duplicity—and soon decides the only way to heal her broken heart is to exact sweet, sweet revenge…"

When I found out last year that Francine Pascal was revitalizing the Sweet Valley franchise, my thirteen-year-old self was like totally siked! After all, Sweet Valley High and the Babysitters Club...those books defined my childhood. In junior high school, I remember so well running to Evelyn Meador Library after school to grab my latest Sweet Valley read. The continuing drama--yet unbreakable bond--between Elizabeth and Jessica had me wishing that I, too, was a twin. (Total side note: in 5th grade, I did tell my friend, Jeremiah, that I had a twin named Laura who lived at a boarding school in Switzerland. I even met him at the park as "Laura" and put on a fake British accent. I had him believing that I was a twin until 6th grade. Not one of my proudest moments, but it still really makes me laugh.)

Unfortunately, and sadly, I think that I have outgrown the Wakefield twins. As I read Sweet Valley Confidential, I just could not get past the sappy language. Without revealing any spoilers, what Jessica does to Elizabeth is completely and totally inexcusable (and in my opinion, never justified), and yet all we hear about throughout the entire book is how much Jessica is hurting because she "loves" her sister so much. She feels completely and entirely lost because she doesn't have that special connection with her sister. Guess what, Jessica...if you miss your sister so much, you shouldn't have done what you did! So quit whining!

I guess that might be my biggest overall complaint with Sweet Valley Confidential. At the end of the book, I hardly recognized the characters. Jessica was whiny, Elizabeth was depressing, and Winston, Enid, and Todd were all jerks. Francine Pascal took some of my favorite characters and made them terribly unlikable.

On a positive note, one thing I will say that I like about the novel is its use of flashbacks. Chapters would begin in the present day, but midway through the chapter, Francine Pascal would illustrate the events that led the characters to this point. The flashbacks created a good deal of intrigue, especially in reference to Jessica's betrayal. Unfortunately, once the flashbacks stopped and all questions were answered, the momentum of the story just fell flat. The ending especially felt like one long checklist, one that could have been avoided if the book had ended thirty pages earlier. Also, don't even get me started on how horrible the epilogue is in this book.

So unfortunately, I'm not going to recommend Sweet Valley Confidential. I may go back and read a few of the original books and pretend like I don't know what happened once these characters grew up.

Team Elizabeth!

My Story--Part Two

Before reading Part Two, make sure you've read Part One--

You know how when you're dreading something, you try to imagine the worst possible scenario so that the actual result won't be so bad? Unfortunately, I didn't imagine hard enough when it came to my doctor's appointment last month.

On December 8, I went in for my well-woman exam. In the past, when I've gone to this doctor's office, they've made me take pregnancy tests because of my irregular periods. One time, a nurse was incredibly sweet to me when she delivered the news that the test was negative. Most other times though, the nurses don't even tell me the result, as if it's no big deal that once again I'm not pregnant. So going in this time, I prayed so hard that I would have a nurse who would be sensitive, kind, and understanding of my situation. At first, I did have that nurse.

When I was first called, she started her routine questions: "And when was the date of your last period?" I take a deep breath, "October 27." She looks at me excitedly, "Are we here for what I think we're here for?!" "Don't get too excited," I say ironically with a smile, "I have irregular periods." "Oh, okay...well, we'll assume that it's negative...but hope for the best!"

As I made my way to the bathroom, I thanked God for this woman. I had a feeling that if the result was negative, she would be sensitive--but if I was in fact pregnant, this is the person I would want to hear it from. However, once I emerged from the bathroom, my kind, sweet, saint-of-a-nurse was gone, and in her place, was this one woman who did not smile and who just reeked of coldness.

She made me sit and watch her while she administered the pregnancy. Normally, they have me go back to the waiting room and then bring me to the exam room where they would (or would not) give me the news. Not this time. This time, I had to wait and watch silently, while every one of my last nerves was on edge. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, but was in actuality three minutes, the nurse looks at the test, shakes her head and says coldly:

"I don't think it's going to happen."

---

Wow. Really? You had to say it like that? "I don't think it's going to happen"? You dare to say those words to a woman who has been struggling with infertility for two years? You horrible bitch.

Suffice to say, I cried through my entire pelvic exam.

---

Like I've said, I'm no stranger to a negative pregnancy test, and each time, the results sucked. This time, however, the results were devastating. Both Kevin and my mother advised me not to get my hopes up (though each secretly hoped that this month would be "it".) If someone could tell me the secret to not getting your hopes up, I would love to know it because unfortunately, it's a skill I have not mastered.

So why did this time hurt so much? I know my emotions were not helped by those seven devious, little words, but I think more than anything I had built a lot of things up in my head. It was seventeen days before Christmas, and I so wanted to be able to give my family Christmas presents that contained pictures of our soon-to-be baby. I wanted to hang up our stockings, meanwhile envisioning adding one more next year. I wanted to start 2012 knowing that I would become a mom that year.

Instead, I was completely paralyzed for about four days. My best friend's son turned 3 the next day, and I couldn't even call her because I knew she would hear the pain in my voice. Another friend invited me to the reading of her new play--absurdist piece in which a woman deals with a miscarriage by deluding herself into thinking that a squash is her baby. I had to decline my friend's invitation, but with no good reason as to why I couldn't see her play. I just couldn't speak about what I had been through because I wasn't ready to tell people, to say out loud, "I'm sad because I want a baby."

--

I don't know what happened exactly, but by Monday I was done feeling sorry for myself. I picked up the phone, called my RE's office, and a week after my dreadful well woman exam, I met with my doctor. As soon as I walked into his office, I felt relief. I knew that I was in a room with women who knew exactly how I felt and with medical professional who would treat me with respect and kindness. I was surrounded by people who could give me help and answers, and I finally felt happy.

--

A month and a half later, I'm in the same position I was before my well woman exam. Yesterday, they had another blood test (FYI--it's been a week and a half since my last internal sonogram. Score!) to see if my body is producing the necessary hormones to support a pregnancy. Luckily, it is! To quote my nurse from this morning, my progesterone and estrogen levels look "fantastic"! In one more week, I go back for another blood test--but this one is a pregnancy test.

Once again, a nurse will hold my fate in her hands like a tiny bird (I don't mean to be hyperbolic. I'm really just quoting Leslie Knope), but this time, I have so much more faith and trust in these women in my RE's office. I've gotten to know them, and they are all so bright and cheerful--even at 6:30 in the morning! I'm sure they're (unfortunately) used to delivering not so great news; I trust that they will be sensitive to my feelings, but I am more than okay with receiving life changing news from these wonderful people.

So if you're reading this--pray for me this week. Whether or not I am pregnant, I am so thankful that my body has responded so well to Clomid. I did not have to take--yet, don't want to jinx anything--estrogen or progesterone supplements, and for that, I am very thankful. If things work out--I'll be very happy with my birthday present this year. :) However, if this was not the month for me to get pregnant, I will always know that God's timing is perfect.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

My Story--Part One

I realize that I have yet to write about how I made the decision to finally buck up and take Clomid. Warning though--it gets a little sad.

While I've known for two years now that Clomid would be an option for me, I continually chose to just let "nature run its course" and not start any fertility treatments. Sometimes, this idea seems silly to me because lately I've had so much success with this medicine. I start to think, "Why didn't I do this earlier and save myself a lot of heartbreak?" I've come to realize that actually saying the words out loud, "I'm trying to have a baby. I want to have a baby" is a big fat deal. I wasn't ready to do so until I met with my doctor on December 15.

Going back though, last summer, my husband and I wanted to give my fertility a jump start before we tried fertility medicine, so I started acupuncture. I had weekly appointments for six weeks, and for about an hour every time, I had no choice but to lay still and completely relax. Because I am a Type A personality with an obnoxiously busy schedule, being forced to just be still was probably just as therapeutic as the actual procedure. Suffice to say, I had great success with acupuncture. After two months' time, I had my first period in over a year. Not only that, but it was my first period that was not caused by birth control or Provera in five years. While I'm not currently using acupuncture solely to get pregnant, I still have monthly appointments and will recommend the treatment to anyone.

This fall, because of the acupuncture, I had two periods which were 60 days apart, the last one being in late October. By late November, I started to exhibit symptoms which could have been related to pregnancy. Specifically, several times when my family and I sat down for dinner during my Thanksgiving vacation, I grew nauseated when food was placed in front of me. One morning, when we were having breakfast at the Wayside Inn in Massachusetts, the waiter placed a basket of muffins in front of me, and I had to excuse myself and run to the restroom to get away from the dastardly little things. Then, when I sat back down, all I wanted to eat was an omelet. That may not sound like such a big thing, but you should probably know--I hate eggs. I never eat them, and I hate their texture. I have tried for years to appreciate eggs, but thus far, omelets are about the only kind of eggs I can sort of tolerate. When I ordered the omelet, everyone in my family stared at me in surprise. I think at that point both of our mothers thought something must be up with me.

I had more symptoms than just the nausea; however, over the last couple months, I've either forgotten them--or repressed the memories! Overall though, for two weeks straight, I felt nauseous all the time. I was calling my mother everyday saying, "Could I be pregnant? I have this symptom. Does that mean I'm pregnant?" God bless my mother for her patience. I really have put her through so much over the last two years.

I knew that I needed to find out whether or not I was actually pregnant, but after never getting a positive result, I kept avoiding actually taking a pregnancy test. My annual well-woman exam was coming up, and I had to make the choice: should I learn my fate from a emotionless little stick--or a nurse who might possibly just casually tell me news that could determine my future?

In the end, I chose the nurse. And I chose poorly.

To be continued...

The Nail Files (or My First Link-up!)

Since I'm still developing this blog, I haven't done any link ups yet (of course that will change when I talk about my book swap results!), but this week, I felt morally obligated to link up with Tara from Fabulous But Evil with the Nail Files.

Last night, I gave myself an excellent manicure after I received a wonderful gift from my hubby. This may just be the greatest nail polish in the entire world:



I'd like to say that Kevin bought this nail polish for me just out of the goodness of his heart. In truth, Patriots.com was giving away tickets to the AFC championship game to a certain lucky person who purchased something on their website. I don't know if they've announced winner yet, but at least I will be showing great team spirit this weekend!

Go Pats!

The Bachelor Has Done It Again

After last week's episode, I said for the upteenth time, "I am never watching this show again!"

When I found out through spoilers whom this mystery woman would be, I was incredibly excited that it was Shawntel Newton who would be returning to the Bachelor universe. I loved her on Brad's season, and at the time, I wanted her to be the Bachelorette instead of Ashley. This week, not only were the women uncessarily nasty to her, but Ben was so spineless. He let her go because it wouldn't be "fair" to the other ladies. I really, really wanted to punch Nikki when she whined and cried about how keeping Shawntel around wouldn't be fair the women who had already gone home. Guess what! Shawntel has had just about as much time with Ben as the rest of you have! You think that the fifteen minutes you have spent with him are more precious just because they're being filmed?! Get over yourself.

Wow! That was quite a rant.

So suffice to say, with hardly any quality women this season (with the exception of Kacie B., Emily, and Jennifer), I was ready to throw in the towel on this lackluster season. And I think the producers realized that many other people were about to do the same because who did they get to be the next Bachelorette:


EMILY MAYNARD!!!

She was only the nicest contestant in Bachelor history, and I really can't wait to see her class up the show. Kevin is just going to have to suffer through Emily's season because I will watch and love every damn minute of it!

Humble Pie

Last week, Kevin called me from work to inform me that he bought a post-Christmas present that would be for the both of us, something that would come in handy for the Pats-Broncos playoff game. Suffice to say, we had a little too much fun preparing for this week's game:


Looks like our new cookie cutters did the trick! The Patriots won, and we're on to play the Ravens in the AFC Championship. Very exciting!

Well, before the game began, Kevin posted a picture of our stellar cookies on Facebook, and our friend from Denver wittily retorted, "Did you also bake humble pie? Or perhaps crow?" Despite the Patriots win, I do feel like I've eaten a great big slice of humble pie over the last week.

On Friday, I got to see that my medium-sized egg turned into a great, big, fat 23mm follicle! Before, when they examined my ovaries, all I could see were a spattering of small black dots, which apparently were eggs less than 10mm big. On Friday though, I saw one big black circle on the screen. My nurse that day--who is also one of my favorite nurses in the office--looked at me and said, "It's good!" Once I saw the follicle, I mouthed back to her, "Holy sh*t!" Because seriously, that black dot looked effing huge. After my blood work, they determined I was not ovulating yet, but I was confident it wouldn't be too much longer. Lo and behold, Sunday night, I finally saw that elusive smiley face! I finally had an LH surge, and I was going to ovulate!

Sunday night, when that happy little smiley face appeared, I screamed out in joy, "Oh my god! I'm ovulating!" I have been taking pregnancy and ovulation tests for the last 2+ years, and not once have I ever gotten a positive result. On either test. Not once. I cannot even begin to explain the joy I felt knowing that my body was finally getting itself prepared to have a baby. However, before I even had time to write a blog post about my excitement, I got a great big slice of humble pie...

WARNING--This next section has way, WAY TMI

This morning, I went to the doctor's office for a post-coital test. Yes, it's just as gross (and invasive) as it sounds. Because I blush at these things, I'll let WebMD tell you what a post-coital test is:

"A postcoital test checks a woman's cervical mucus after sex to see whether sperm are present and moving normally."

Yep, TMI.

Suffice to say, this morning the doctor couldn't find any living sperm on the sample he took. This could mean one of several things:

1. My cervical mucus is too dry from the Clomid (which by the way, through this experience, I have discovered that my least, least favorite word is "mucus". A lot of people hate the word "moist"; mucus is my moist. The word just creeps me out!)
2. Kevin and/or I have sperm antibodies that are inhibiting our fertility (this is quite possible; my mother experienced something like this when she was trying to conceive me. I inherited her breasts; I would really prefer to have not also inherited her "sperm killing mucus". *Again, ick!*)
3. (And I don't even want to type this one out) Kevin has a fertility problem, too.

Option #3 scares me the most. PCOS is something that we can get control over; sterility is a whole 'nother battle.

Truthfully, I think television has really created most of my stress. I keep thinking, "What if we're just like Monica and Chandler? What if the problem is with both of us?!" I have to remind myself that it's TELEVISION! The writers of Friends needed a storyline to contrast Ross and Rachel's one night stand that resulted in Emma. They had to add drama to the final season of the show to keep audiences interested. My life is not-- nor will it be--the 10th season of Friends.

Right now, I'm rooting for Option #4: the little Joe Montanas triumphed and are doing their work as I type. As my nurse practitioner told me in December, it only takes one sperm and one egg. That's all we need.

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Why should you read Bossypants by Tina Fey? Consider the following from her chapter, "The Secrets of Mommy's Beauty":

"To your left may sit an older woman eating cashews with one hand while talking on the phone with the other while still receiving a manicure and oversharing. 'I know. I was crying about it on the toilet this morning--[to manicurist] don't cut the cuticles, please.' As you listen closer, you will suspect that she is participating in a paid therapy session over the phone. 'Well, you know, it's about setting boundaries. He has to be told, "If we're gonna have these conversations it shouldn't be when one of us is drunk and the other one is hanging upside down in the gravity boots."' As you listen longer, you're not sure if she's the patient or the therapist. 'Do I think it's good that you're angry? Why would I think it's good that you're angry?' There are never fewer than eight Tracey Ullman characters in any NYC nail salon at any given time."

'Nuff said.


Okay, one more thing. In her introduction Tina says, "I hope you enjoy the book so much that you also buy a copy for your sister-in-law." Well, I did enjoy it so much that I did give a copy to my sister-in-law! Two nights ago, I sent Jolin a surprise post-Christmas present, and thanks to the wonders of Amazon Prime, she received it yesterday (check out her reaction here!) It really made my day to be able to surprise Jo. I have the greatest sister-in-law in the world, and I'm so glad she's a book nerd, too!!! So ladies and gentlemen, send your in-laws Bossypants. They'll love it!

Bachelor Ben

After last season's horrible edition of The Bachelorette, I swore that I would be done with this show once and for all! Seriously, the other day, I was trying to remember the three guys that Ashley picked to go to Fiji; JP and Ben were obvious, but for the life of me, I could not remember who the third guy was. After about fifteen minutes (which is long for me--I have a ridiculously weird memory) I finally remembered. Of course! Constantine! I once had to watch a scene in my directing class in which the actress screamed out the name "Constantine" over and over again. How could I possibly forget that name?! Easily. Ashley's season was boring.

Even though I liked Ben from Ashley's season--he was one of the few redeeming qualities--I had my doubts about him as the Bachelor. I thought surely he could not carry viewers' interests week after week.

Right about now, I think I'm wrong.

I was determined to not watch this season of The Bachelor--mostly because I was certain that my husband would divorce me if I did tune in. Eventually, I took a gamble on my marriage, gave in and watched the last fifteen minutes of the first episode. Then I read all my regular blogs and recaps and thought, "Okay, I'm giving this one episode...and that's it!" Well, dang it if this week's episode hasn't already gotten me hooked.

Things I like so far:

• Ben is so down to Earth, and I love it! Having your first set of dates in your hometown...what a wild idea! People don't fall in love at a private carnival while running around in a mini-dress, nor do they fall in love while planning a Vegas wedding on their very first date! (six months laters, and I'm still stewing about that. What a dumb idea.) Having dinner at your local restaurant or having a picnic in the park. Whose dates are like that?...oh yeah! Real people!
• I like that Ben turned down a relationship with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Not that I didn't love in Jenn in Heartbreaks nor can I turn off the television when Can't Hardly Wait comes on. Also, who remembers her from back in the day on Kids! Incorporated? Anyone? Just me? Anyhow, the fact the Ben is totally disinterested in a Hollywood lifestyle makes me think that he really does just want a simple life in Sonoma and could actually make his relationship work.
• If the producers are going to make the women do a dumb television show/music video/infomercial/perform like trained seals date, at least this season it was for a good cause. Even though I still fast-forwarded through most of their performance (because group dates are mostly just ridiculous), I liked the idea behind them helping out the local community/children's theatre.
• After Ben's dinner date with Kacie, I wanted them to stop the season right there. I like Kacie. She's nice. I don't need to watch anyone else whore it up around Ben.

However, that last point leads me into what I don't like so far:

• Having a slideshow of Ben and Kacie's childhood was way heavy-handed, and I blame the producers for that one. I didn't get to watch videos of Kevin as a kid until we had been dating almost a year. Also, hearing his father's voice for the first time in five years--while on a first date with a woman--yeah...not even okay. Thankfully, both Ben and Kacie were pretty classy about it.
• Blakeley.
• I'm actually on the fence about Courtney. While she's getting under the girls' skin, she seems to be genuinely interested in Ben (of course, I have no idea what she said or did on the premiere episode). Now, if you can't place nice with others, I don't expect that she'll be very good in their relationship (i.e. Vienna), but it's possible she's just putting up walls around the other women.
• Jenna. Poor, poor dear. Did anyone else notice that she looked just like a less put-together Trista? Kudos to Ben for being a gentleman and recognizing that this process was just not for her and that he didn't want to put her through any more stress.

So hopefully they travel to cool places this season so that I can continue to use geography as the logical excuse as to why I watch. Until next week!

Confession...

I am a few more days away from ovulation, but I have a two sets of friends staying with us both Friday and Saturday night. We live in a very small apartment that is sort of a semi-studio. It's not usually a problem because when there's only two people in the house, both of whom share a bed, having a window cut-out between our living room and bedroom is no big deal.

However...

How exactly do you tell your friends, "Hey...so glad you're here. Missed you a ton. But listen...I'm ovulating, and Kevin and I need some alone time--if you know what I mean?"

Is there any good way to have that conversation? I don't want to be picky about which days I ovulate (after all beggars can't be choosers!) but...yeah...



P. S. On Tuesday I had a medium-sized follicle! I have a follicle! Whoo-hoo! Back to the doctor Friday morning...

OPK Fun

Yep--peeing on a stick was just as much fun as I expected.

This morning, I started using Clearblue Digital Ovulation tests, the one that tells you whether or not you're ovulating with a little smiley face-- :). I asked my doctor's office which brand they recommended, and I am going second their endorsement! I was incredibly wary about using digital tests because, frankly, the whole process seemed way complicated. The test sticks come separate from the digital monitor, and you have to unwrap and insert them before you take the test. I also pored over the instructions last night, and apparently there are three different error messages that can pop up. In addition to all that, I'm testing twice a day, so I decided that I would probably have less margin for error if I just took the test as soon as I woke up. Unwrapping, inserting tests, and aiming correctly can be just a little complex when you first wake up.

This morning, the whole process was even more complicated. I didn't sleep well last night because of some hot flashes (and I have a space heater named Desdemona who wanted to snuggle as close as possible with me last night), so I was a little out of it this morning. Top that off with the fact that as soon as I woke up, I discovered that my cat puked on my living room floor--twice. If God isn't preparing me for parenthood...

In spite of all that, the Clearblue Digital test is so great! Even when you're half-awake, it's not too difficult to assemble anything. And--here might be TMI--previously, when I was trying to blindly predict when I would ovulate, I used the off-brand OPKs at my drugstore. That testing stick was really wide, and thus incredibly messy (if you know what I mean). With Clearblue, the test strip is really thin, and thus there isn't much clean-up.



Even though the test did not detect a LH surge (the hormone that indicates if I'm going to ovulate), as soon as the digital test displayed its result, I shouted out, "Well that is just cool!" Because it really is cool. Science just amazes me!

One downside with OPKs is that they are just a tad 'spensive. One package of 20 tests costs $49.99; they advertise it as a month's supply of tests, which would mean I would be spending $2.50/day on tests. Since I'll be testing twice a day, I'll be spending $5/day on tests. Luckily, I was able to use $6.00 in CVS coupons to knock down the price a bit, and I'll continue to look for more coupons to alleviate the expense of OPKs.

Well, I'm very excited (maybe a little too excited) to test again tonight, and then I'll be at the doctor's office tomorrow morning, bright and early at 6:30! Can't wait to hopefully see some follicles!

Cleopatra's Daughter by Michelle Moran

"The marriage of Marc Antony and Cleopatra is one of the greatest love stories of all time, a tale of unbridled passion with earth-shaking political consequences. Feared and hunted by the powers in Rome, the lovers choose to die by their own hands as the triumphant armies of Antony’s revengeful rival, Octavian, sweep into Egypt. Their three orphaned children are taken in chains to Rome; only two– the ten-year-old twins Selene and Alexander–survive the journey. Delivered to the household of Octavian’s sister, the siblings cling to each other and to the hope that they will return one day to their rightful place on the throne of Egypt. As they come of age, they are buffeted by the personal ambitions of Octavian’s family and court, by the ever-present threat of slave rebellion, and by the longings and desires deep within their own hearts.

Based on meticulous research, Cleopatra’s Daughter is a fascinating portrait of imperial Rome and of the people and events of this glorious and most tumultuous period in human history. Emerging from the shadows of the past, Selene, a young woman of irresistible charm and preternatural intelligence, will capture your heart."


After a very, very busy semester, I was so happy to sit down with a easy read during my winter break. My sister-in-law knows me so well, and for Christmas, she gave me a copy of Cleopatra's Daughter by Michelle Moran. Because of Kate Quinn, Ancient Rome has replaced Tudor England as my era of choice when it comes to historical fiction. Suffice to say, I was so eager to dive into Cleopatra's Daughters, which depicts the capture of Cleopatra and Marc Antony's children and their subsequent transportation from Egypt to Rome during the reign of Octavian. In the end, the novel was pretty okay...but having read Kate Quinn's work first, I couldn't help but be a little disappointed in Michelle Moran's novel.

I actually ended up liking Cleopatra's Daughter much more than I anticipated after I initially began reading it. The whole time I was reading the novel, all I could think was, "Raise the stakes." I heard these three words many, many, many times during my undergrad acting classes, and I feel they apply to this novel as well. Michelle Moran crafted a story with danger, intrigue, heartbreak, and love; however, I wanted her take each of these elements and turn them up a few notches. At the beginning of the novel, it was quite apparent that Selene (the titular character) and her twin brother, Alexander, were in danger of meeting the same fate as their parents, Marc Antony and Cleopatra. However, as the novel progressed, that danger waned away, the characters grew more content in their new Roman lives, and story became a bit boring.

Yes, characters die in Cleopatra's Daughter, and Michelle Moran exposes her audience to the horrors and violence of Ancient Rome. Unfortunately, instead of letting the events speak for themselves, Moran becomes preachy and thus loses the gravity of these events. Instead of showing us that unwanted children were left to die on the streets of Rome, the characters had to tell us why this was a bad practice and thus rant about why Rome needed proper orphanages. In the end, this incidence did nothing to advance the plot and slowed down the overall story.

Just like in Mockingjay, I was incredibly disappointed in the death of one of the major characters (I won't say either name so as to not give away any spoilers, but if you've read Mockingjay, you know exactly whom I'm talking about.) In Cleopatra's Daughter, this said death happened smack-dab in the middle of the chapter and went by so quickly that I hardly had any time process what happened. This character deserved so much better! Also, much like Katniss, Selene's grief over this character is underplayed (again, raise the stakes!) and rushed.

After reading about such over-the-top Emperors in Kate Quinn's novels--especially Domitian--I found Octavian in Cleopatra's Daughter to be rather dull. He wasn't nice, but he wasn't mean. He seemed powerful and scary of the beginning of the novel; with one flick of his wrist, any one could meet an unfortunate end. However, as the story progresses, he became weak and frankly, blasé. Nothing is worse than a character being indiscriminate and indifferent, and unfortunately, that's what Octavian became, and thus, the danger and intrigue in the story suffered.

As negative as I've been in this review, I still liked the book. I know, I know. I hate reading reviews when someone rants, and then says, "But it was a pretty good book!" Where exactly is your evidence to say that?! And believe me, as I read the book, I kept thinking about how I would not like the end of the book at all. However, after I finished reading Cleopatra's Daughter at 2:00 in the morning, I fell asleep and dreamed about Michelle Moran's characters all night. I woke up thinking, "I want to read more about Selene! And Julia! What happened to these two women once the novel is over?!"

In the end, Michelle Moran's greatest strength in Cleopatra's Daughter is crafting characters that the audience grows to care about. Somehow, they crept into my head (and heart) and I cared about what would happen to them. I especially like end result of Selene's love story. I was kind of rooting for her to end up with this particular character. I just wish we could have read more about Selene and her intended, as opposed to the novel ending with the reveal of who would become Selene's husband. (Again...the love between these two characters...raise the stakes.)

If you haven't read Kate Quinn's work, then you might really enjoy Cleopatra's Daughter because you don't have that particular base for comparison. Either way, I do recommend people read this novel because altogether, it is an entertaining read. It's especially good for no-minded reading (the best kind of reading!) that you can enjoy during vacation or as a break during a hectic schedule. I do also intend to read more by Michelle Moran; I saw Madame Tussaud on sale at the grocery store, and I'm especially intrigued to read her novel Nefertiti. I think I will like her work when I'm not continually comparing her to another author.

Happy reading!

P. S. Empress of the Seven Hills comes out in April! Three more months!

Reason #13,305 Why I Love My Husband

As we are preparing for a fun week of ovulation prediction kits, tonight Kevin and I discussed some healthy things that he could do in order to ensure that he has a high sperm count.

Kevin proceeds to tell me, "It's okay. I've got Joe Montana sperm. I've got Joe Montana and Tom Brady sperm in this," all while motioning towards his entire body.

I love this man. I'm so glad I don't have to go through this alone.

Update!

The nurse from my doctor's office called this morning, and she gave me good news! I expected her to say that my estrogen levels look okay, but I would need to come in for another ultrasound to see if the Clomid did its work. Instead! She told me that estrogen levels look good (I think that's the word she used. Well, that's the word I'm going to use), and I can start using Ovulation Prediction Kits (OPK) on Monday. WHOA! Who knew that I would be so darn excited to pee on a stick?! Then, they'll have me come back in Tuesday to check out what's been happening.

I may not conceive this month, but it's such a great, GREAT feeling that Clomid is working, and good changes are happening with my body.

Also, I have one more thing to add to my list of things during TTC that simulate actual pregnancy/motherhood:

Getting up ridiculously early in the morning?....Check.

My last two appointments at my RE's (Reproductive Endocronologist's) office have been at 7:30. Those worked out well because I had all my tests done a couple hours before I had to be at work (thankfully, I'm teaching in the afternoons for both the Winter and Spring semesters). What time is my appointment this Tuesday? 6:30am.

Ummmm....yeah...I don't think I've had to be anywhere that early since I took Algebra at 6:30 in my AM Flex class. (Yes, I took a math class at 6 in the morning, and I got an A in it, too!) I suppose my schedule is going to change slightly when I have a baby, so I might as well get used to it before conception.

Suffice to say, between a great class with a great group of students, good news from the doctor's office, and good news for the Husband at his work, today was a good day!

First Clomid Check-up

It really is amazing how just trying to get pregnant prepares you to actually be pregnant. Here's how:

Going to the doctor multiple times per week?....Check.

I visited the doctor last Friday, today, and I will be going again on Monday or Tuesday (and possibly one or more times later next week.)

Having blood drawn multiple times per week?....Check.

I have never been bothered by needles and don't mind having my blood drawn, so I am going to be a blood-giving champion throughout this experience. I also really like the phlebotomist in my doctor's office. She's really good at what she does. The prick hardly hurts, and she gets everything done as fast and painless as possible.

Having people up in my nether-regions (is that hyphenated?) multiple times a week?....Definitely check.

Two internal sonograms in less than a week and another to go next week. I am also going to be a sonogram champion. In addition, once there is a child in my uterus, I'm going to be so excited to no longer see an empty screen! I'll know that I will be looking at something special.

Feeling unreasonably warm--even in the dead of winter?....Check.

To answer my concerns in my last post, I mostly definitely had hot flashes. Over the last couple nights, I've only experienced one or two per night, as opposed to the ever present heat I felt when I first started Clomid. If nothing else, they are convenient in the sense that it's like having my own personal space heater--which comes in handy when it's 6 degrees outside. As a note though, one thing that is a total pain about hot flashes is when I went to bed last night, I was feeling incredibly warm, so I only needed a sheet and a blanket. I normally sleep with a flannel sheet, comforter, and about three blankets. Yes, I'm weird. But I discovered last year that I inherited this characteristic from my father. For us, it's not about the warmth; it's the weight of the blankets that keeps us warm and cozy all night. Suffice to say, since I was only using about a 1/3 of my normal sleepwear when I went to bed, I woke up absolutely freezing! I'm going to have to devise a better system for being comfortable when I go to bed and then when I wake up.

Hormones going crazy?...Thankfully, not yet.

Today, my ultrasound technician (whom I already love. He's also really good at his job and makes the ultrasound tolerable) asked me if my hormones were acting up, and I'm very thankful to report that they have not. All I can think about is that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte yells at Trey in the middle of the Highland Fling and rips her pretty tartan dress. I'm praying so hard that I don't experience anything that extreme. Of course, if I watch that actual episode, I will probably cry like a baby when Trey tells Charlotte he doesn't want to continue their fertility treatments--and then my hormones will certainly kick in...

Other notes....

My ultrasound today didn't show much. I have a whole bunch of eggs (Cool!), but none of them are bigger than 10mm, which means they can't see one big one that could potentially ovulate. But it's still fairly early since I'm only on Day 10 of my cycle (and most of my cycles are 60+ days). They're checking my estrogen level from my blood work today, and hopefully it will be much higher than last week's 83 (it needs to be mid-100s-200.) They'll call me with the results, and I'll go back in on Monday or Tuesday to see if I have any noticeable follicles (aka big eggs...in my Clomid research, I kept reading about follicles, and I didn't know what the heck that term meant. I'm learning so much through this experience.) If I don't and/or my estrogen levels are still low, my doctor will have to do something with my medication.

So there you have it! This weekend, we're praying for follicles and high estrogen levels. I'm going to acupuncture tomorrow morning (more about how much I love acupuncture later), so that should help to get my fertility working.

Until then...

-C

2012- Day Two

My husband hates it when I read PCOS blogs and message boards. And with good reason. A lot of the time, after reading a blog, I become incredibly discouraged at the length of time it has taken some women to get pregnant. These women are understandably emotional and have a tendency to say exactly what they are feeling--the good, the bad, and the ugly. In one of the first I discovered, one woman referred to her sister-in-law as a "pregnant asshole"....that one actually made me chuckle. However, her description of her sixth bout with Clomid made me very sad. Some other times, I read the side-effects that some women experienced, and I immediately begin to experience those symptoms.

For instance, today I read a blog that was actually quite positive and described the side-effects of Clomid with a certain degree of whimsy. She was cheerful about her hot flashes and nausea, and gave good advice about taking Clomid at night so as to sleep through the symptoms.

Well, lo and behold, I'm lying in bed tonight, trying to fall asleep, and here it comes...I am 27 years old, and I think I just experienced my first hot flash. As I was lying down in my comfy flannel sheets, I felt a creeping warmth spread throughout my entire body until I felt as though the heat would soon be suffocating me. My hands grew clammy, my neck felt hot, and I thought for sure I was running a fever. I took my temperature. 96.17. You have got to be kidding me.

Now, did I really have a hot flash? Or did I just read about hot flashes and thus psyched myself out? I suppose if this happens again tomorrow night, I might think it's not in my head.

On the plus side, it is January, so if I need to cool off, I can step outside in the 20 degree weather!

Happy New Year...

My news year's resolution...

To become a mom.

Wow. I can't believe I actually typed that. I think it day after day, but actually saying it out loud...I mean, writing it down...oh, you know what I mean.

Almost two years ago, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and I learned that my road to fertility was going to be a bit bumpy. At the time, I was still in graduate school, so my husband and I weren't in too much of a hurry to actively try to have a family. Now, we both have good jobs, great friends, a wonderful home, and after four years of marriage--just the four of us (can't leave out the dog and kitty)--we feel ready to become parents.

Yesterday, I took my first dose of Clomid, a drug that will hopefully help me to ovulate. Right now, I have very, very mixed feelings. I'm hopeful that this treatment is going to work, and I'm praying that I can get pregnant with only one or two cycles of Clomid. At the same time, I'm absolutely terrified. I've read stories from women who went through six cycles of Clomid, then had IUI, and eventually tried IVF. I may just be naive, but I keeping thinking/hoping that I could be pregnant in a matter of months; in truth, this could be the beginning of several years of trying to conceive. Only time will tell.

I haven't been the greatest at keeping up with this blog, but I really think I need to occasionally write down my thoughts for a couple reasons:

1. Over the last week, I have been suffering from a series a migraines that I thought might have been hormonal. However, as soon as I started to type this post, my headaches started to alleviate. Hmmm...maybe I do need a little stress relief outlet.
2. One, two, five, ten, or twenty years from now, I would love for one young woman who is struggling with infertility to read my writing, see my pictures of my beautiful babies, and think, "It's going to be okay. I can get through this little bump in the road. If she can do, I can do it."

I once shared this poem, but I find it to be terribly appropriate:

"If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain."

Or for a more heartfelt example, I turn to Jim Henson:

"If just one person believes in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...

Hard enough, and long enough,
It stands to reason, that someone else will think
'If he can do it, I can do it.'

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you.
Hard enough and long enough
There's bound to be some other person who
Believes in making it a threesome,
Making it three.....
People you can say: believe in me.....

And if three whole people,
Why not -- four?
And if four whole people,
Why not--more, and
more, and
more....

And when all those people,
Believe in you,
Deep enough, and strong enough,
Believe in you...
Hard enough, and long enough

It stands to reason that you yourself will
Start to see what everybody sees in
You...

And maybe even you,
Can believe in you... too!"

So here's to a happy and healthy new year, full of healthy ovaries!